Thursday, 31 May 2012

Drumroll please...

  Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make: Obama socks.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

A goddess, a god, and a guy mating with a horse

Oooh, get it brah!  This may have happened on Udo in November 2010...
  Time marches on.  Life is still good, when you think about it, or don't.  If the glass is half-full, get a smaller glass, or some shit.
  I've got a sweet knock-knock joke!  Wanna hear it?  You start.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Pair bears

  Hey, someone let a pair of 'Holy fuck!' bears out.  Not sure about the other two - I found them that way, honest.

Bike tears once more

  When you buy a bike in Korea you're actually buying it twice - once when you first purchase it, and then again piece by faltering Chinese piece until the day you sell it on to the next chump.  I love her dearly though, in spite of her corroded regulators and clogged-up filters.
In better form

Socks of awesome

  To my unending delight, I was recently handed these socks.  Best socks ever.  Well, the best socks ever were the pair of Obama socks I lovingly wore to shreds a year or so back, but these ones are a close second to fifth (3rd-10th?).
  From left to right, we have : The pop-off head-explosion bear socks; the God!! socks; the 'My life is so sad I have to drink soju' bear socks; and the nipple-nosed grouch-looking guy eating up my feet socks.  Oh, happy day!

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Japandemonium - Signs-mania! (vol. III)

 While in Osaka, I tried vainly to re-find the 'Used Panty Vending Machine District' I bumbled into a few years back.  You'da thunk it would've been easy to locate, what with it being located right next to the 'Robot Prefecture', but no.

Know what time it is?

  Socks n sandals time!   Ka-booom, fuckers!
   I was recently writing someone a message that included the song title 'Wayfaring Stranger', but I wrote 'Wayfarting Stranger' by accident.  Anti-fail?

Geoje Invaders

See me?  See me?

I'm one of two dudes who decided to tuck...
  Invaderrrrrs!  So I'm on a baseball team here, good times.  It's a team mostly made up of foreigners, so it's definitely a novelty in the Korean leagues.  I'd been a bit shaky with grounders during practices, so I was pleased with my mistake-free performance in our first game.  We played against the 'White Helmets', who wore blue helmets, by the way, and the final score was...16-16.  Yeah, after a brutal nine-inning slug-fest in the sun, we opted to just end the misery in a draw.  I ripped the knee out of my brand new uniform sliding into third, and I was proud to finish out the game with a dirty uniform. Safe!
  Incidentally, I chose the #17 for my uniform to honour the legendary Dock Ellis, who pitched a no-hitter in 1970 for the Pittsburgh Pirates...while on LSD.  Righteous.  Here's his tale:
"I didn't see the hitters..."

Monday, 21 May 2012

Japandemonium - Other food...I mean...Food action ninja robot sexy action cool!

Edamame (soy) beans - tasty as beans will get
Sounded so much more epic when we ordered it

Good, but the pan was actually a 1/32nd scale model of an actual frying pan

Sushi.  Expensive.  Listen to me whinge!
  I was hungry the whole time I was in Japan.  You order something that costs like 30$ and expect a decent spread, and dude comes out with a pathethic display of unsatisfying sundries.  I'm thinking 'You best go back there and come right back the fuck out with a ton more food, punk.', but I end up bowing and smiling meekly.

Japanemonium - Fried without coat of chicken cartilage

  The 'Food fried without coat of complete garlic (Domestic production)' is also worth a try.

Japandemonium - Whale meat

Fried expensive shit on a stick

Yet we didn't try the 'Tender poke chicken gizzard', what gives?
  Holy shit,  I know I'm going to hell.  The Japanese whaling industry is a sleazy pile of shit, and I guess it's wrong to eat something so smart, buuuuut.  I had to try it.  It was on the menu.  The overpriced menu.  So my travel bud and I went for it.  It tasted like peppery, perfumy beef.
  I've still got tons of Japan stuff to put up, been lackadaisical lately, on a few fronts.  I've got stuff to put up from March.  Lazy lazy lazy, ugh.
  I forget if I've brought this up before, but wouldn't it be fucked up if Stephen Hawking was a hoax?

Thursday, 17 May 2012

The 'Holy fuck!' van

  There was a point in my Korean experience when a van like this would have made me giggle.  There will also come a time when I miss vans like this, I'm sure.  Right now, it's no big shwoop to see bullshit like this driving around.  There's a Lee Harvey Oswald joke in here somewhere, I'm sure.  I'm tired.

kill you

Bought some new socks today.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Japandemonium - Happy sunshine super robot capsule hotel!

One size fits all

Home sweet coffin

Omigod!  I've just woken up - what year is it?  Have we reached Ursa Major yet?

We will refuse the eating and drinking in the capsule hard. 
 No trip to Japan is complete without a stay in a capsule hotel.  This one was the biggest in Osaka, and had the feel of a hostel - the one I stayed at last time was much smaller, and was more of a hive for rumpled Japanese businessmen.  It's a bit disconcerting to be surrounded on all sides by the sounds of rustling, snoring, and farting Japanese businessmen.  I was going to say 'comforting', but that's not quite the case.
  This one was a pretty confusing operation, even by Japanese standards.  The capsules, sauna/showers, and locker room were all on different floors.  On each floor you visit, you're meant to surrender a further layer of your clothes and possessions, in exchange for another key.  In the lobby, you surrender your shoes to the shoe locker.  You then go downstairs and lock your clothing in a locker in exchange for a set of spiffy brown pyjamas.  Then you go up two floors to the shower room, where you leave your pyjamas and toiletries in another locker, and head butt-ass nekkid into the sauna area, where Japanese men invariably stare at your genitals with steely seriousness.
  Well, all of this nonsense confused me a bit in the morning.  A hazy morning, we'll say.  I got all mixed up in the locker room, because I came in already wearing the pyjamas.  I stripped naked and headed out...into the lobby crowded with folks checking out.  I stopped, raised my finger as if I'd forgoetten something, and headed back in to put back on my pyjamas.  Fail.
  I kept the pyjamas by the way.  I'm wearing them now, in fact.

Sunday, 13 May 2012


Step 3: Eat and enjoy
  I haven't gushed about my favourite frozen Korean treat in a while.  It's jaws!  Or 'Jawsuh' as written in Korean.  Sleek and toothed, grey on the outside and pink on the in, it's Jawsuh.  Jawsuh!

Lamborghini cigarettes

  Lambo smokes!  Extreeeeme!  Yeahhh!  Yeahhhhhh!  Yeahhhhhhhhhh!


It is my pleasure to accept your waste, sir!
  When it came time to actually flush this beast, I couldn't actually figure out how it was done, so I jacked up the volume, hit 'FLUSHING SOUND', and walked out shrugging innocently.

Japandemonium - Signs-mania! (vol. II)

Japan.  Thank you.

Dancing animatronic noodles

Dinosaur meat

 The other day as I was walking through my parking lot, a soccer ball came bouncing over to me.  Feeling cocky, I popped it up and starting bouncing it off my head and legs, hacky-sack style.  The two kids were rightfully impressed, and started clapping.  Feeling extra-cocky, I went to kick the ball back over the fence to them, but I put some extra mustard on it, trying to pop it way up.  Well, it went in the exact opposite direction, and ended up landing on the cab of a nearby recycling truck with a deafening 'thunk'.  The kids were in disbelief, and they quickly stopped clapping as I ran away and let them deal with the screaming truck driver.  Hee hee, bitches!

Friday, 11 May 2012

The giant poisonous centipede that very nearly kicked my ass

I'm gonna bite his penis!  Bite!
  I was minding my own business today, just birding blissfully in the a.m., when a scary-ass thing happened to me.  Super scary.  I arrived at a quiet hillside graveyard that is host to a decent assortment of songbirds and pulled off the road.  I hopped off my motorcycle and pushed through some bushes towards a stream.  For some reason, thank fuck, I looked down at my leg, and what I saw made me about shit.  A giant and poisonous centipede was racing up my leg at a rapid clip, heading towards my cash and prizes.  The thing was at least 6 inches long.  It was scuttling over my wallet bulge, inches from attaining my other bulge, when I flailed at it with my (thankfully) gloved hand.  I'm pretty sure I was grimacing like a chimp as I did this, and I distinctly remember letting out a pitiful and guttural 'Nuuuhhhhfukkkk!' yelp.  
  As I swept my hand back up, the centipede clung momentarily to my glove, before spiralling through the air straight at my face.  I closed my eyes, screamed 'Wuuuuuh!' and recoiled backwards.  When I opened my eyes, I couldn't locate the centipede, so I jumped up and down like a ninny, frantically swatting at my clothes.  I finally spotted the beast  triumphantly scuttling away, so I took its picture and swore heartily.  Little fucker.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Japandemonium - Signs-mania! (vol. I)

Tommy Lee!

  The president of Nigeria is named Goodluck Jonathan.  I think that's pretty great.