Thursday, 29 July 2010

Bibimbap/Nomura Jellyfish

I won't start gushing about bibimbap, as it's such a first-year thing to do. People would gasp and say "Ohmigod! He's like so first-year!" But it is our preferred post-snorkeling grub. Being a bit salty, some XXX Vitamin Water (extreeeeeme!) goes well with it, and we usually wash it down with a Hershey's Roasted Almond Veil, while sitting around in front of Family Mart, making fun of people as they walk by. I'm just sayin'. Speaking of snorkeling, a surfer buddy today informed me that the dreaded Nomura Jellyfish are back in Jeju's waters. I'm gonna punch one in the face. It'll go "SMACK!" (P.S. I didn't take that picture of the jellyfish, someone else did)

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Death From Above 1979 - Blood On Our Hands

Premium Nuts Class

What a sack of nuts. I've finished writing 2/3 of a book. It's gonna be a runaway bestseller for sure. It is, however, filled with so many graphic and detailed accounts of shenanigans and antics that I'll have to come up with a creative pen name, to protect the guilty. Lat Toll? Rat Loll? Spat Troll? I'll come up with one. I'm bloated. Too much cheese, crackers, pickles, and whatnottery. Nuts.
My terrible sense of humor has offended many more than one person in the past, especially in conversational situations. That kinda makes me laugh, because I know that my humor is 30 years ahead of its time. At least that's what I tell folks when they look like they would love to smack the face off my head. Zing.

Monday, 26 July 2010

Seasick Steve - Last Po'man

The Fish

Man oh man, when I got to Oedulgae the other day, the boys were trying to catch the mother of all fish in a tidal pool and release it back into the ocean at large (before the salivating Koreans could slice it up and eat it with red pepper paste-'Knife go in, guts come out!'). This beast was over three feet long and awesome to look at. The pics don't do it justice, the thing was insanely and electrically blue. Not sure about the exact name, but I suspect it's from the Amberjack/Kingfish Seriola family. Was crafty too, took 'em a while to catch it.


Another weekend spent on the beach. Saturday's session ended when the thunderheads dropped onto our heads in a hurry. We took off, but still got rainihilated on the drive back. 100% soaked to the bone. This led us to scream and honk and let out crazed rebel yells and Al Quaeda 'alalalalas' all the way back to Sog, to the concern of the Koreans whizzing past, who gawked at us like we had two heads apiece. It's hard to hate on Jeju at this time of year. It's even feeling a lot less high schooly as well - there's a solid crew of real people on the south side right now. Been watching 'Pawn Stars', it's crazy good.

Sunday, 25 July 2010


Another favorite spot. This is where the snorkeling usually goes down. Pronounced 'way-dull-gay'. Nork submarine spies shot it out with local cops and military here in the late 60's.

New ork

I'm so glad there's a New ork. The old ork was shit.

Poorly disguised urination

Hey Cobain, this ain't the Yellow Sea! Fer Chrissakes.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Jungmun mornings

I fucking love Jungmun beach. I sit there in the mornings and zone out and think about absolutely nothing. Lots of Korean tourists right now, but as of September 1st, they'll vanish like a bad dream, leaving the beach deserted for Sept-Oct (Ah, sweet Summumn), arguably the 2 nicest months to be on that beach. Heading snorkeling in the morning. If you ever hear me complain, tell me to shut the hell up. Especially when I'm sitting on the beach, grinnin' like a possum eating peach seeds.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010


Yeah boyyeee! Got some morning war-riding in with the boys. Paid another trip to the Japanese kamikaze airfields and Seotal massacre site on the southwest coast. Re-found the bullet I hid there over a year ago. I think it killed someone, so I can't keep it, lest the curse get me. It wouldn't be a trip to the kamikaze airfields without me getting everyone lost, so I obliged, in classic fashion. We forded the first mud puddle with ease, but the one up the hill was a moat, so we had to double back. We hit the beach after for a good hour of suicide ball and Euro-watching, where the battlecry seemed to be 'Got Milf?'. We're incorrigible. I'll say it again: I love scootin', and I love the beach. I also love the southwest coast of Jeju. My plans for tomorrow morning? You're right.
Hey you wanna know what will never get old? Sling Blade impressions.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010


Jeez, I'm gonna lay off putting up songs as blog posts for a while. Just been boring times these days. But by Odin, my life is gonna be a non-stop roller-coaster ride of adventure-someness from here on out. To the max, extreme over-the-topity! It's gonna be pure fuckin' Froot Loops! I'm gonna punch sharks in the face and laugh! I'm gonna bungee jump while snorting tequila, covered in jellyfish! I'm gonna run backwards with scissors blindfolded, while chanting Gregorian chants! I'm gonna make cats and dogs mate! I'm gonna play Jenga! It's all gonna be so extreme, I can hardly bear it.

Die Mannequin - Saved by Strangers

Musical junk food alert. I have no clue who these guys are, but it seems like they have an over-produced lack of street cred going, or something. The video is very 'let's make a rock video with nuns, swords, wolves, and a bunch of other crap'. Can't vouch for them, but I think this song rocks anyways. What I think is the only thing that matters.
Also, I've always had a soft spot for Gibson Firebirds. I came close to buying a horrendous toothpaste aqua Firebird in Taiwan, then came equally close to buying a one pickup pink Hello Kitty baby Strat, before thankfully settling on my natural wood with gold trim SG. I'm gonna go play her right now.

Liz Phair - Jealousy

Yet more shiz from the 90's! Shiz Phair! I had a ginormous crush on Liz Phair when I was 16. After re-watching this video, I have a re-crush on her. Foxy. If I ever met her in person, I'd have to bust out my best pick-up line. It goes like this: I'd point at her stomach and yell "I'm gonna put a baby in THAT!"
Heading on an early morning scoot-venture with the boys tomorrow, because I ain't sleeping through another summer, then regretting it later.

Monday, 19 July 2010

Sloan - Underwhelmed

I first saw Sloan with my brother on a Tuesday night, which was a school night for me back in the day. High School. They played Foufounes Electriques, and the cover was 4$. Bite and The Smalls opened up. Mind-blowing. We walked home because we had missed the night bus and spent our last 8$ on the show. I've only started taking cabs regularly in Korea. They're too outlandishly extravagant in the real world.

Weather woahs

What a difference a few weeks makes. The weather went from a non-stop barrage of rainy rainy rubbish (from March to July), to full on tropical can't-sleep-at-night heat and humidity. No happy medium?! I miss snow. I miss walking around at 2 a.m. in the sparkly dark blue streets, listening to crunchy footsteps and snot freezing inside my nose. I miss wearing layers. I miss ass-sweating into long-johns.
Killed a good number of mosquitoes today. Makes me feel big and strong.
Rainy rainy rubbish, hungry hungry hippos.

Woozle wuzzle

As I told someone just 2 short minutes ago, in my time on this fine earth, I've realized that two truths are universal: all women are bat-shit crazy, and all men are assholes. Boom!
The weekend of soccer resulted in my red-facedness. Sunburn, mostly. The weekend would have better been spent on the beach, showing off my frog back and checking out perky European tourists in their little bikinis with my peripheral-sunglass-vision. What else? Not much really.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

More cowbell!

Holy fuck, make it stop!

Alcohol and swimming don't disorderly conduct.

Shaping up to be a soccery weekend. Played for a couple of hours today in the thick air. There's a grudge match planned for tomorrow with another snarling pack of 13-year olds who will no doubt rip off our heads and shit down our necks. Just got back from a long and curvy night scoot. Scootin' is the shiz. As always, gin is bad.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

colored wit o'collection

Nothing is more soothing than the stern British voice that narrates every Second World War documentary. Like a cozy, snuggly blanket, covered in purring kittens. Talk to me about Operation Barbarossa - I'm more relaxed already.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Apostel Bräu

Hey hey, it's Santa! Golden, nutty, and way better than Korean 'beer', which I actually refuse to drink anymore, on humanitarian grounds. This Santa Bräu was brewed according to Germany's wondrous Reinheitsgebot beer purity law of 1516, which outlawed hangovers. Thanks, Germany.
It won't ever stop raining.

Smoking is healthy

At least this Korean dude in the wheelchair with the IV thought so. It was nice of the orderlies to wheel him out for a ciggy. I've said it before, but it bears repeating - you stay classy, Korea! I'm a bit surprised they didn't pour soju into his IV bag for him too. Sheeeit.

Monday, 12 July 2010

Stan Rogers - Northwest Passage

This song takes me back to the basement of a socialist hostel in Amsterdam. It was the late 90's, and blonde-haired and ruddy-cheeked kids were protesting in the streets. "Nej til NATOs Krieg!" their placards read. Yossarian and I sat in that basement for long hours, minds clouded by the spring air and tall green cans of goodness. It being a socialist commune in Amsterdam, the table holding up the tapedeck was inevitably cluttered with Portugese socialist techno. God, it'd be hard to find a shittier sub-genre of music than Portugese socialist techno from the late-90's. A few minutes of urgent digging through tapes (tapes=an archaic vessel) unearthed a gem - 'Stan Rogers - Live Between the Breaks'. Oh boy, we listened to that tape endlessly.
It was on this same trip that I foolishly allowed Yossarian to borrow my bar of blue Lever 2000 soap. I should have mentioned, Joey is of the ginger-haired persuasion. Anyways, I find the soap sitting in my room a bit later, completely smothered in orange pubic hair. After beating his ass unmerciful, I threw the soap out, because, and I self-quote: "Soap is supposed to wash you, you're not supposed wash IT!"
Anyhow, what an awesome song. You raise Cain, Stan!!

Plants and Animals - Feedback in the Fields

What else? Cobain and I have almost crystallized our foolhardy travel plans for late September. Are we effin nuts? We must be.

Tasty Jeju

Tasty. Been busy again. Now, not so much. I've been frying the shit out of mosquitoes with the Death-Racket 2000. Ride the lightning, bitches! With not many mogies venturing into my hovel, I've been forced to expand my hunting range to include the elevator and hallways of my apartment building. Is this over the top? If killing mosquitoes in an elevator is wrong, I don't wanna be right. ZAP! ZING! SIZZLE! Take that, re-incarnation of Hitler! Besides, not much to do since the rainy season is back. Never left. Rainy rainy muthafuckin rainy. Making decisions at the moment. Never mind, I'll let life do the thinking for me, as per usual. Just a leaf in the stream, that's me, footloose and fancyfree! Fancyfree!

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Mogie murder

The mogies are back. I hate mosquitoes, dunno anyone who likes 'em. I'm tired. I'm welted. I'm through killing them with my hands and/or BB gun, although the latter produced some spectacular results last year, remember? I picked up an electrified tennis racket of death. You swing it at the little bastards, and they spark and flame and snap. And there are two nifty flashlights on it too. Thanks, China. One more to kill, but this one is a demoness. I'll get her.