Friday, 26 February 2010

All Avetts, all the time, and PANIC!

Here are some more Avett Brothers songs that I think are awesome. I! Me! I've said it before, but selfishness is the new politically correct. There's no choice! 2012 baby! Carpe diem! Stop paying those credit card bills! Make a bonfire with 'em! Dance around it naked! Smear warm mammal blood on your faces and dance around that fire naked, hooting and shrieking, arms swinging low! Crack open your neighbor's skull and eat that brain, we're all 4 missed meals away from doing it anyways! The government can always hear us! Wear tinfoil hats! Ohmigod! Panic on the streets of London! Hang the blessed DJ! FTW! Kill whitey!

Murder in the City


Swept Away


Thursday, 25 February 2010


Go Avetts, go. I want to be an Avett Brother.

100% bliss

Happiness is a Tuborg Green on a foggy night. This dented can of Thor's sweat was mailed to me from Esbjerg, Denmark. It takes me back to a place where things are simple, and beer is made to be enjoyed, not slammed. Thank you Mette. I nevah metta betta Mette.


Patrolling. Sneaking. I'm gonna fly away on turboprop wings, magnetic anomaly detector pointing rearward to a Degrassi pumpkin seed of the insecure. Totalement rempli. To something, and not away from. Looking for Nork submarines. Mainland ho! Kill whitey! Cryptic! Machiavellian subterfuge! Feeeeyuck.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Seafood of repute - with a music (Party except)

Poorly written signs are so abundant in Korea that I'm starting to find them decreasingly amusing. Thinking of getting off the island for the long weekend. Thought you'd like to know that. Mainland ho! It's officially beach weather here on Jeju though. Made stew, way too much, will feed me for weeks. Might have a nosey up at the Halla Arboretum in Jeju City tomorrow morning, to see if any Grey Buntings, White-bellied Green Pigeons, or Japanese Grosbeaks are about. Went to two lamp stores today, but apparently nothing was for sale.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Dokdo wetnaps

I've ranted about Dokdo before. Long story short, both Japan and Korea claim the pumpkin seed 'islands', and regularly get all assy over it. What better way could there be to instill national pride than wetnap packaging? You stay classy, Korea.

Double barber poles

In Korea, one barber pole means you may or may not get a haircut. Two or more barber poles apparently means...well...just look at those 'scissors'. There seem to be at least 10 different types of business in Korea where the end result is equally not a haircut. Insert joke here. Boom!

Bushwackin' at the nunnery

Went hunting for a 'secret waterfall' the other day, but couldn't re-find it. Ended up scrambling up thorny and haggard old hills. On the way down, we discovered a sizeable temple in the middle of literal nowhere. A grinning 3-foot nun materialized and forced us to drink from a bucket of tepid, cloudy water. She then gave each of us a massive bag of tangerines, and we sat around shooting the shit with her for 30 minutes. I love them thar hills, they're full of randomness, and probably terrible secrets as well.

Vulture, Osprey, Crow-Goshawk dogfight

Raptoriffic. Did a bit of birding this weekend, but got wires crossed with my Korean birding buddy, so nothing epic. I sense a big and strange migration season this year, and harfangs know migration. Cobain and I are playing basketball in the mornings again, which hopefully will mean I don't have a frog back at the beach this year. Frog back! Olympics. Not feeling it.

The Sun's settin' fast...

...and just like they say, nothing good ever lasts. Holy crap, the weather in Sog is out-of-control nice, gonna be 18 by week's end. I've been driving around in shorts. I enjoy driving back from the beach in boardies in the summer. Reminds me of 'Freefallin' by Tom Petty, with a single consonant change. Didn't end up playing open mic, gonna kill the next one. The Christmas tree is still shining bright, and I'm finding hard to find a decent lamp in this town. No dust from China yet, we'll see how that works out this year. This winter has been way milder than last. Sometimes I pound on tables, and it startles people. I feel like screaming from the rooftop, but for no reason.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Soggy randoms

Crankiness lowers, but I smell imminent yellow dust in the wind. What else? Still riding the knife's edge of being a birdwatching hermit. I sometimes find it hard to summon the energy it takes to mingle in a jocular and affable way with the expat youths, and play the inevitable games. Gotta stop sleeping in so damn much and get off me arse and do stuff in the morning, if it's the energy I lack. Hibernation stops now. Monday that is. Gonna be a big birding weekend. Still haven't checked out the mystery bunting. Might play an open mic on the weekend, if my homie will back up my mando with guitar. Watching a truly strange movie with Colin Farrel mumbling and unshaven. Drinking honey lemon tea. Not much else to report.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Another Bulbul

I think this one was berry-drunk. Gonna have a closer look at a yellowish mystery bunting I briefly saw the other day in a ditch. It kinda looked like a Black-faced Bunting, but had suspicious malar markings and overall jizz of a Yellow-breasted Bunting, which would be a thrilling lifer. Stay tuned for the riveting outcome tomorrow! I can't wait! Make it tomorrow now!
In other news, still cranky, but it's recoverable. A great way to start the week this morning. I open my door, and there's a plate of rotting Korean seafood next to my door, death fumes leaking into my apartment. This alone wouldn't normally have been enough to piss me off. What pissed me off was that the chain-smoking, girl-slapping, door-slamming, red-faced man-o-lantern that lives next door had this sitting next to his door for 4 days, and obviously kicked it over to my door. People often have dishes of leftovers sitting next to their doors, as Korean restaurants deliver food complete with dishes and cutlery, and return to pick it up later. Neat, right? Well, what this rocket surgeon failed to notice was that the dishes that arrived at his place on Friday were made of styrofoam. Why? Because most restaurants were closed for a few days because of Tiger Year, and nobody was coming back to pick up the dishes, hence the handy, dispose-of-yourself dishes. So shithead lets the food get rancid, and then kicks it over to my door. I kicked it right back to his. If he wants a war, he'll get one.
In general, the world would be a more pleasant and honest place if people learned how to own their mistakes, instead of passing the buck like a candy-thieving toddler.

Saturday, 13 February 2010


All grumpiness aside, Soggy is a beat-down and perfect old town, a ripping place to live. Snorkeling season is fast approaching. As is migration season. Good.

Freak island

Still not too much happening these days, chilly skies. Look at these Korean ladies and their robo-visors. Haha, Koreans crack me up. Hardy har har. Another group of people in Korea that crack me up is foreigners. There is a stereotype 'LBH' (Loser Back Home) character that pops up quite regularly in Korea. They can be the boring fat kid who grew up to play D&D and tuck dress shirts into jeans, who came to Korea to escape from being a loser. They can be the sketchy drifter, who came to Korea to escape from being a loser. They can be the heavily-medicated, compulsive lying basket-case, who came to Korea to escape from being a loser. No wonder Koreans hate us all. Some people don't realize that if you are the cause of all your problems, there's nowhere you can run to escape from being a loser. The Avett Brothers put it well in their jangly, cheerful chorus:

"The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere"

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

We've all been there

Took this one 4 years ago, the soju bottles are different now.


Is made in Korea.


Boring Jeju days lately, so here are a few super old pics of my way-back 'record-breaking' band from far back when. No mandolins were involved. Every song sounded like 'Wooly Bully'. Also, every song was either about beer, or inspired by horror comics from the early 70's. My throat is sore. Maybe yellow dust is in the air. I've lost all interest in the Japanese milk carton. What the hell has it done for me? It just sits there, like a bastard.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

"taste the thunder"

I had to dig deeper. Here's the google-translated Furuya Milk website. These little gems have an elegant retarded symmetry I appreciate. Here are my favorite excerpts:

-Drinking milk is not rumbling stomach.

-Strong competitive environment in the body vitality.

Forced to leave his living lactic acid bacteria in the intestine.

-720ml milk taste the thunder:
Chiba Prefecture, was raked over by the farmer, and using carefully selected fresh raw milk.

To eat or drink while enjoying the contents are visible, it is best to feel good bottle container touched.

Untiring efforts continue and future-looking research and development expertise that has been cultivated, to deliver to every person every day to your health "backbone of the food industry," as, we will continue to continue to develop in the future.

Fur U Ya

I found this pristine unfolded Japanese milk carton in a random milk crate. I took it home, and I like it way too much. Something about it speaks to me. I was meant to find this. This means something. This means something. For some reason I feel like eating mashed potatoes tonight.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

#9 Cass Red

-->Name: Cass RED - 'Sound of vitality. Savory taste of high alcohol beer made from the finest aroma hop.'

-->Alcohol %: 6.9%

-->Ml: 355 ml

-->Price: 1,750 won

-->Color: Dark gold.

-->Smell: Slightly fruity.

-->Taste: Nothing much. Wet.

-->Mouthfeel: Too fizzy and thick.

-->Aftertaste: Nothing much.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: David Hasselhoff eating floor burgers.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: People with red faces.

-->Would I drink it?: No.

-->If so, where/when?: "Let's get hammered, dude!"

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Yes.

-->Overall: 6/10

#8 Cass 2X


-->Alcohol %:

355 ml

1,850 won

Light gold, beery.

Sour crops.

Sweet but hoppy and full-bodied, not bad.

Thick, smooth.


-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol:
Kristie Lu Stout (my fiancee).

-->Who drinks this in Korea:
Gosh, I have no idea. Maybe people who drink extreme shit like Mountain Dew and love to be extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme.

-->Would I drink it?:

-->If so, where/when?:
It's a winter jacket-pocket beer.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?:

-->Overall: 8/10
(I'm appalled as well as surprised. I don't usually buy into anything 'extreme' or 'low alcohol'. I'm so angry with myself. I'm not sure how 2.9% alcohol can be characterized as either '2X' or 'extreme'.)

#7 Hite

-->Name: Hite - 'Clean, Crisp and Fresh! F.T.K. System (Fresh Taste Keeping System)'

-->Alcohol %: 4.5%

-->Ml: 355 ml

-->Price: 1,750 won

-->Color: Light amber.

-->Smell: Raunchy and fruity in an ok way.

-->Taste: Tries to be cultured, but falls short, fake. Reminds me of...nevermind.

-->Mouthfeel: Thin and absent

-->Aftertaste: Hint of Euro-skunk, but half-assed.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Daniel Henney.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: Everyone.

-->Would I drink it?: Maybe.

-->If so, where/when?: On a bus.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Yes.

-->Overall: 6/10

My old Ilsan buddies and I came up with a slogan for Hite, that we used to shriek when the time was right: HITE!! IT WORKS!!

#6 Cass Lemon

-->Name: Cass Lemon - 'Sound of vitality. Cool refreshing and brisk taste with the twist of lemon.'

-->Alcohol %: 3.9%

-->Ml: 355 ml

-->Price: 1,850 won

-->Color: Looks like beer.

-->Smell: Like a popsicle.

-->Taste: Fake, but sweet and refreshing (the can was right).

-->Mouthfeel: Fizzy and pleasant.

-->Aftertaste: Dry lime.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Penelope Cruz.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: Broads.

-->Would I drink it?: Sure.

-->If so, where/when?: Summer beach BBQ, but not more than 2 or three, as it would rot the gut.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Yes, especially broads.

-->Overall: 7.5/10
(Shocked. I thought this would taste like sick, but it wasn't terrible.)

#5 Cass

-->Name: Cass Fresh - 'Sound of vitality. Cass Fresh Winter Edition. Ultimate Refreshment. With fizzy and crisp taste.'

-->Alcohol %: 4.5%

-->Ml: 355 ml

-->Price: 1,750 won

-->Color: Pale gold.

-->Smell: Fruity.

-->Taste: Disappointing. Slightly nutty nothingness.

-->Mouthfeel: Way too bubbly.

-->Aftertaste: Like the white powder in the old Bazooka Joe 5¢ gum with the comic inside.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Rene Zellweger.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: Everyone.

-->Would I drink it?: Nope.

-->If so, where/when?: In the morning.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Sure.

-->Overall: 5/10
(I was shocked, because if forced to drink Korean beer, I'm usually a Cass man. Might have to re-think that.)

#4 Max

-->Name: Max - 'Delicious idea. Rich & full-bodied taste made from all malt and fine cascade hop.'

-->Alcohol %:

355 ml

1,750 won

Orange gold.

Nothing, faintly metallic.

Tastes like drinking nothing.

Almost flat, lifeless.

Still nothing, heavy and gassy.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Steve Guttenberg.

-->Who drinks this in Korea:
People who litter at the beach.

-->Would I drink it?:

-->If so, where/when?: If I grabbed someone else's beer by mistake.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?:
Foreigners would drink paint.


#3 Hite Stout

-->Name: Hite Black Beer Stout - 'Premium Beer'

-->Alcohol %: 5%

355 ml

1,950 won

-->Color: Dark red brown.

Wet dog and licorice.

Chemical-ish stout and brown dye #7.

-->Mouthfeel: Thick and soupy.

Ketchup and stale Guinness.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Every Korean rapper.

-->Who drinks this in Korea:
Not really sure. Maybe Koreans who want to pretend they're 'cultured' but are too cheap to buy Asahi.

-->Would I drink it?: No.

-->If so, where/when?: St. Paddy's Korea.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Noyes.

-->Overall: 4/10
(This one wasn't hard to guess.)

#2 OB

-->Name: OB (Old Bastard) Blue - 'The original quality beer. Since 1933. BLUE Technology.'

-->Alcohol %: 4.4%

-->Ml: 355 ml

-->Price: 1,300 won

-->Color: Light gold.

-->Smell: A wet penny.

-->Taste: Sweet, boring, and gassy. Made me burp big.

-->Mouthfeel: Thick, fizzy, and syrupy.

-->Aftertaste: Pop Rocks and real rocks.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: Helen Hunt.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: Old bastards only.

-->Would I drink it?: Not really, in spite of being an old bastard.

-->If so, where/when?: If absolutely nothing else was at hand when the world was ending.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?: Foreigners will drink anything.

-->Overall: 5.5/10.
(No surprises, never been a fan.)

#1 Cafri


-->Alcohol %: 4.2%

330 ml

-->Price: 1,450 won

-->Color: Light gold.

-->Smell: Wheat + dog's mouth.

Nutty and light, not bad.

-->Mouthfeel: Fizzy, not too much going on, a bit thin.

: Crackers.

-->Celebrity that best personifies this alcohol: MacCaulay Culkin, when he was older and smoked cigarettes.

-->Who drinks this in Korea: People who drink in bars.

-->Would I drink it?:
Yes, sometimes I go to bars.

-->If so, where/when?:
Just chillin'.

-->Would foreigners enjoy it?:

-->Overall: 9.5/10
(I wasn't surprised by the reveal, Cafri is a solid beer by Korean standards.)

The great double-blind Korean beer sampling session of '10

Another rainy Sunday. Korean beer is ass, but Cobain and I decided to do a double-blind K beer-off (I'm still doing a 'dry February' - this didn't count, because we only had a shot of each beer, honestly.) We didn't know what we were drinking as we were judging, and there were actually a few surprises. The 1-10 overall rating is relative - we were judging these beers against each other - they would pretty much all get a 1 if judged against beer from the civilized world. Oops, did I just write that? I'm so offensive. My secret pet names for the 2 K-beer majors: 'Ass' and 'sHite'.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Cute Swedish girls

I don't intend on getting all linky on this blog, but here's one more. A coupla Swedish girls kill a Fleet Floxes song, super cool. Three minutes and one second well-spent.

It's for Buddha, not Hitler

Hangul in the sky

I might be seeing shit, but below those 2 lines I see Korean cloud writing. I've officially been here too long, I'm trippin'.

Brown-banded Catshark basket... a great band name. There is a mandolin player in the band, why not? Bliorg. Poor little sandpapery bastards.