Friday, 11 May 2012

The giant poisonous centipede that very nearly kicked my ass

I'm gonna bite his penis!  Bite!
  I was minding my own business today, just birding blissfully in the a.m., when a scary-ass thing happened to me.  Super scary.  I arrived at a quiet hillside graveyard that is host to a decent assortment of songbirds and pulled off the road.  I hopped off my motorcycle and pushed through some bushes towards a stream.  For some reason, thank fuck, I looked down at my leg, and what I saw made me about shit.  A giant and poisonous centipede was racing up my leg at a rapid clip, heading towards my cash and prizes.  The thing was at least 6 inches long.  It was scuttling over my wallet bulge, inches from attaining my other bulge, when I flailed at it with my (thankfully) gloved hand.  I'm pretty sure I was grimacing like a chimp as I did this, and I distinctly remember letting out a pitiful and guttural 'Nuuuhhhhfukkkk!' yelp.  
  As I swept my hand back up, the centipede clung momentarily to my glove, before spiralling through the air straight at my face.  I closed my eyes, screamed 'Wuuuuuh!' and recoiled backwards.  When I opened my eyes, I couldn't locate the centipede, so I jumped up and down like a ninny, frantically swatting at my clothes.  I finally spotted the beast  triumphantly scuttling away, so I took its picture and swore heartily.  Little fucker.


  1. Wikipedia states that "Ethmostigmus rubripes has forcipules that can deliver a powerful, venomous sting directly to the scrotum." Good on you for flinging it away as you did while flapping your hands wildly like a girly man. That's like a googly spider x1000

  2. Think about the effect on your lady friend you would have had when you told her you had a poisonous penis!!! You could have been like a superhero or something... Next time, let it sting you ! :-)